


Requiem

by notnowcommander



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAaT angst, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 17:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5214326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Shepard gets word that Cerberus has taken control of Jump Zero, and is rounding up biotics there for an unknown reason, she knows that she can't help while still working for them. So she reaches out to one person who might be able to help her, but the one person who hoped to leave that place behind for good.</p><p>Written as an AU where Kaidan has a loyalty/personal mission in ME2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem

Shepard’s private terminal blinked furiously, to indicate she was getting a call. She set her datapad and her third cup of coffee for the day down on her desk before pressing ‘receive’. Her eyes lingered on a very particular message in her terminal for just a second, however. She still, after weeks of it sitting there, had no idea how to respond, or what the best way to respond to it might be. How did she even begin to broach the subject of what had happened on Horizon?

“Commander?” Joker chimed through the intercom.

“What is it, Joker?”

“Can we talk somewhere… private?” he asked.

She nodded. “Sure. Have EDI put us on autopilot and meet me in my cabin.”

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

Minutes later, Shepard heard the elevator ding and her cabin door slide open. Joker stepped inside and she reached for the bottle of liquor sitting on the side of her desk, pouring him a glass. It wasn’t normal that Joker would want to speak to her in private. Most of the conversations they’d had in the entire length of their friendship happened on the bridge of the Normandy, or in the crew quarters later on between several beers and bad jokes.

The pilot sat himself down on the edge of her desk. He briefly caught a glance at the picture sitting next to her private terminal. Shepard made sure to look as far away as possible.  She knew Miranda had put the picture there to make her feel more at home, but sometimes she found herself just getting too distracted and daydreaming about what could be if her ship wasn’t flying Cerberus colors. Even with a small picture of Kaidan in her cabin, it didn’t feel like home.

“You miss him?”

The first thing that came to Shepard’s mind was “yes”, but saying no was what everyone on this ship expected of her. By now, they’d all heard what had happened on Horizon. To Tali and Garrus, they knew that Kaidan had lashed out at her and accused her of being a traitor. They knew that the man she once loved would never trust her again and they knew the extent that it hurt her.

Garrus had come to her room after Horizon, but probably heard her at her worst, and backed away. She heard EDI quietly telling him that now might not have been the best time.

But to everyone else who didn’t know him, Shepard got dumped, and had moved on. There were no moments for hesitation, for asking what could have been, what she could have said to convince him to come with her.

“It’s the past, Joker.”

“Uh huh,” he said, leaning back in the chair. “Look, I didn’t come up here to chat about Kaidan, and the ever present pole shoved up his ass, but I think this is important, and I… I couldn’t tell anyone without Cerberus listening in.”

“You think we’re safe here?”

Joker nodded. “If anyone hears this, it’s just EDI, and I… well, I think she might be trustworthy.”

“She’s an AI, Joker. When I think of trustworthy, I think of like… Elcor. Not AIs,” Shepard teased, sipping her drink.

“Not my point. Here. Let me just show you what I found.”

Joker opened his omni-tool, pressed a few buttons and sat back. Shepard listened as a crackling signal played through the Omni-tool.

“Cerberus forces have taken control of the station. I… I don’t know what they’re here for, but they’re rounding up the biotics. I don’t know what they’re going to do to us. Please, somebody, help.”

The transmission cut dead, and Joker’s eyes flashed up to Shepard’s. Shepard swirled her drink and nodded for him to play it again. As he did. The second time through didn’t pick up any new clues, but Shepard did take note of the horror in the woman over the transmissions voice.

“Where’d you find this?”

“It came through an emergency channel. No one but me was listening.”

“EDI?

“I don’t think she noticed.”

“Cerberus forces taking control of a station? What would they want with biotics?”

“Well,” Joker started, “you could ask Jack.”

“I like my head on my shoulders, Joker.”

“Right. But here’s the weird part,” he said, leaning forward. “That transmission came through one of the random emergency channels I keep open, and it was right as we were passing around the Charon relay.”

Shepard straightened up. “The Charon relay? God…”

“What is it?” he asked.

“Jump Zero. Gagarin Station, Joker.”

“What? Why would Cerberus want that facility? I always thought creepy corners of open space at the corners of the galaxy was their thing. Like… the Sol system was too mainstream for them.”

“I’m beyond trying to understand Cerberus, but if there are people out there and Cerberus has them, and it’s bad enough to send a distress call? I don’t want to let that one brush under the rug. There’s a population of about 9,000 people on that station, Joker, and they need our help,” she said, placing her drink on the desk.

Joker sighed and nodded. “They do. I’ll admit, this whole working for Cerberus thing is always rubbing me the wrong way, but… how are we supposed to rescue people from Cerberus’ grasp if we work for them? We’re not exactly gleaming heroes with these uniforms and the brands all over the Normandy.”

Shepard stroked the sides of her head and sighed. “We can’t go in as Cerberus forces. If we’re going to rescue the people on Jump Zero, we need to go in as another force. We don’t take any of our current squad, and we don’t even take the Normandy.”

Joker laughed, short at first, but continued. “So… do you want to just float there? I mean, you got spaced, so I’m thinking you’d rather not do this again.”

“Mercs, maybe. I could talk to Aria… or… well, maybe not. Maybe Liara has some Shadow Broker forces she could use, but… shit, I don’t know.”

Shepard had an idea, and it was a dumb one, and to a degree, it was manipulation. But it was the only thing she could do. With Cerberus tacked onto her name, there was no way it would look good, but maybe if she proved that ultimately saving people was her goal, it could fix something.

She shut her eyes and leaned forward. She felt Joker rest a hand on her shoulder. “Shepard, it’s okay to not know what to do.”

No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Growing up on Mindoir, losing her squad on Akuze, taking down Saren… everyone had always expected her to know exactly how to handle a situation, and up until Cerberus fell into her lap, she knew how to handle things. It had been simple. Go in, get the job done, go home. But now, everything came with an extra level of frustration.

And sometimes she asked herself the same question:

How can I not be the bad guy while working for them?

“We need the Alliance.”

Joker laughed again, but this time, rolled his eyes and stopped. “Yeah, if the Alliance isn’t going to stop for a second at the abduction of thousands and thousands of colonists, they’re not going to bat their eyes at this one either, Shepard. I hate to break it to you. Commander Pain in the Ass made that really obvious. Even him, I thought he gave a shit about humanity, but I guess paychecks speak more now.”

“Don’t say that,” Shepard corrected. “Kaidan was doing what he thought was right, and I’m beginning to wonder if he was onto something there.”

“Don’t let him get to you like that, Commander. He was a straight up ass, and you deserved better than that.”

“Joker, we’re going to have to pull some strings to make this one work.”

He nodded. “Of course, Shepard. I’ll do whatever we have to, and I’ll keep it between you and me.”

She shook her head. “No. You’re the pilot. You can’t just fly the Normandy wherever you want to cater my missions. We need to be covert about it. I’m thinking of a plan.”

“The Citadel,” he said. “We can dock there, just say that we’ve got something to do, or that we want to let everyone have a nice break before we plunge into the Omega 4 Relay and probably die.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes and straightened up. “We’re not dying in the Omega 4 Relay, but yeah… Bring us into the Citadel for a few days. I’ve got some business to attend to there.”

“Commander?”

“Thanks for this, Joker. I need to arrange some things. But I owe you one.”

“A round of drinks will do it, Shepard.”

“Deal. Dark Star it is. Once all this is over and those people are safe.”

Joker stood up, saluted the Commander, and left her cabin. Shepard wasn’t sure how long she hesitated in front of her terminal, debating on whether or not making this call was going to be the best or worst thing she’d done. Reaching out to anyone in the Alliance was messy at this point. It hadn’t stopped Hackett from contacting her, or Anderson, but she didn’t like having to stick her feet back in that water, not when she had to focus on this mission.

But she opened up a private comm channel, and put in a call to the Alliance anyway. The AI on the other end of the line answered for her.

“Systems Alliance. Identify yourself, please.

“Commander Jane Shepard. Spectre.”

There was a pause, per usual. “Spectre Status Recognized. Welcome, Commander Shepard. How may we assist you today?”

Shepard sighed and sucked in a breath. “I need you to connect me to someone.”

“Yes, Commander. Name?”

“I need to talk to Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko.”

***

Shepard sat alone at a table near the back of a restaurant in the Wards. She’d run over plenty of places to meet Kaidan, and something low key, something where neither of them would be noticed would be ideal.

In addition to flying under the radar, Shepard dressed herself in a simple black dress and heels, and let her hair down, instead of pulling it back into a bun like she normally did. She looked drastically different now from the posters and advertisements that she saw around the Citadel and on the news. The content varied. By now, people had heard of the missing colonies, and had heard that the great Commander Shepard was fighting the bad guys once again. Others, were less flattering, plenty of traitorous accusations about her working for Cerberus, and even some tabloid rumors that she’d faked her death to go work for them.

At least they’d backed off talking about her love life.

She tried not to let it bother her, but a little voice in the back of her head continued to tug at her and make her more nervous than she had to be. As much as she wanted to believe seeing him again wouldn’t be terrifying, she was wrong. There was still a part of her that didn’t know what to expect. Two years apart could change a lot, and their time together on Horizon was too short for her to gauge what Kaidan was like now. Because she knew one thing… he wasn’t the same man who helped her stop Saren two years ago.

He’d always been stubborn and dead set on doing the right thing, but for her, doing the right thing came at high costs. For Kaidan, it was calculated. He could have easily hopped on board and come with them, but it would have gone against everything Kaidan stood for and she knew that. She honestly couldn’t fault him for it. But something still stung.

She kept her eyes down after watching the door grew tiresome, focusing on anything she could from the napkins to the hem of her dress, which felt all kinds of unnatural on her. She hadn’t gone anywhere without at least a pistol in a very, very long time.

“Shepard.”

She recognized his voice, clear as day, and it brought her back to the nights they’d spent together between Ilos and the destruction of the first Normandy. He’d all but left his place in the crew quarters and began bunking with her every night. He’d been there for all the nights that she woke up and couldn’t breathe, imagining a universe where Saren’s base had taken Kaidan with it in the destruction, or the many nights where Ashley haunted her dreams and Shepard woke to find that it was actually real. It was him that told her that they’d stop whatever was waiting on the edges of the galaxy and live to tell about it.

“Hi,” she said, “uh… take a seat.”

Kaidan sat in the chair across from her, his eyes immediately drifting to the beer that the waitress had set down in front of his place minutes ago. Shepard ordered both of them drinks, hoping maybe it could lighten the mood right off the bat.

“Canadian Lager,” she said, “since I know you’re always trying to find it when we’d come to the Citadel.”

She thought she saw the faintest tug of a smile at his lips, but wondered if she was just seeing what she wanted to see.

“Well, you’re right. It is a pain in my ass to find. So thank you, Shepard.”

Looking at him made her feel for a moment that they’d gone back two years, allowed themselves to finally have a real date and be a real couple. He had the same black hair, thick eyebrows, and gentle demeanor. It was hard to believe anyone could ever be afraid of him. His words could pack a punch, but the strength and the power he kept inside him was incomparable to anything she’d seen before, and how he kept himself that way astounded her.

He had the ability to kill someone with his mind, without breaking a sweat, but was often crippled with dangerously painful migraines. She’d helped him through a couple of them in their time together on the Normandy. Even more than she was familiar with his capabilities in battle, she was familiar with the strength it took for him to keep himself completely human.

But there was something about him that looked much older, much more untouchable about him now. It could have been the fact that he was wearing casual clothes, not Alliance issued wear, but a pair of black pants and a gray button down shirt. But it also could have been the very noticeable darkness around his eyes and the lack of ease in all his movements, or the grey hairs that had appeared throughout his dark hair.

“Of course.”

They paused a moment, not sure where to begin. There were two years worth of words between the two of them that they could never get back. Two years that could have been blissful, but were not, stripped from their lives together.

“I sent a message to your terminal,” he started, “after Horizon.”

She nodded. “I know. I read it over and over again, but I just didn’t know how to respond or what could make anything better. I felt like whatever I said, it would just make things worse.”

“But we’re here now…”

“We are, but this isn’t about that.”

“It could be about that in addition to whatever you brought me here for.”

“Kaidan…”

He sighed. “I know.”

“You’ve moved on, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. You lost me once, and-.”

“I might lose you again?” he finished.

She looked up, meeting his eyes, realizing that he knew more than he led on. He knew what was going to happen in the coming weeks.

“I know about the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard,” he said. “I know that you’re planning on going through it to defeat the Collectors. And I know that you might not make it back.”

“They tell me it’s a suicide mission,” she added.

“It is, and if that’s really what you’re doing, then… then I don’t know where that would leave us.”

She swallowed. “It doesn’t leave us anywhere, Kaidan. If that’s how it’s going to be, there isn’t anything here, no matter how much either of us would want there to be.”

She was just lying to herself, and she knew it. There was no one she wanted to hold and love as much as him, and part of her could sense that he felt the same. He winced in pain, almost as if really struck at her words.

They remained silent for several moments, and a waitress came over to take their order. They both ordered themselves food, and even after that, the silence hung over them painfully, and Shepard knew she had to break it up.

“I didn’t come here to talk about us, Kaidan. I came here because I need your help.”

Immediately, he looked ready to jump to action, but he held back, and instead, leaned back in his chair. “Shepard, I’m not working for Cerberus. That’s already been made crystal clear.”

“Kaidan, it’s not like that.”

“It seems like it is.”

“It’s not, trust me, and if you’d take your head out of your ass for one second, I’ll explain what’s going on.”

He pursed his lips together and straightened up. “Fine.”

“I’m here on my own, not reporting back to Cerberus, not bringing any of my new squad along. It’s just me. And Joker, but not really. He’s the one who passed the information along to me, and I thought it might be of some interest to you. And because I also need your help.”

He crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Okay.”

“Cerberus has taken Gagarin Station. I don’t know what they want or what they’re doing yet, but they’re rounding up biotics. We received a transmission from someone on the station… a woman… and she said they needed help. I have a squad member – Jack – who was kidnapped by Cerberus as a child, turned into a super biotic. They’ve done this before, Kaidan, and I think they could be trying to do it again.”

He swallowed hard and looked away. “You need my help because it’s Jump Zero? You think that I actually want to go back there?”

“No, I can’t imagine what it would be like for you to go back, but I need help. There are people there who are in trouble, and I’m not letting Cerberus hurt them. I won’t stand for it. And I needed someone from within the Alliance to help me fix this. I couldn’t go to Anderson or Hackett because they’re too high up and it’s clear the Alliance doesn’t give a shit about the missing colonists. I can’t go rescue people from Cerberus in a Cerberus branded ship with squad members being paid by Cerberus. I need the Alliance.”

Kaidan looked at her long and hard, trying to find the semblance of familiarity he needed to trust her. Physically, she was still the same woman he laid in bed with night after night and held close and loved. Aside from the red scars forming on the side of her face, she was the same. But inside, who even was she? Sometimes she wasn’t sure she was the same person either.

He took in a deep breath. “Shepard, what I said back on Horizon.”

“Kaidan, I don’t want to talk about that.”

“No… the part about me loving you.”

She sucked in a breath. “Oh.”

“It was true, and it still is. I… I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone before, and it would be so much easier to make this feeling go away, to tell myself that this can’t happen. But I can’t do that. I’ve tried for two years, and seeing you again… you don’t know what it does to me.”

But she did, all too well. She knew that when he stepped forward to hug her on Horizon, she didn’t want to let go. She missed the feeling of his body against hers, even through their armor. She missed how it felt when he buried his face into her shoulder and squeezed her tightly. And now, with no armor, with no squad behind her, she wanted to reach across the table and do something as simple as hold his hand.

“I’ve tried to move on, Shepard.”

“The doctor?”

He stiffened. “That… he and I didn’t work out. Because there is no moving on for me. But I won’t compromise who I am for Cerberus.”

“I’m not working for Cerberus right now, Kaidan. I’m asking someone I deeply care for if they’d help me do something that involves saving a lot of lives and stopping Cerberus. I’m standing right in front of you and asking you to hit Cerberus where it hurts, and I need you to trust me. Me. Shepard. Not the one that works for Cerberus. The one you say you love.”

“Shepard, I…” he drew out. “I shouldn’t do this.”

“I know. And neither should I, but this is important.”

“I agree.”

He put his face in his hands for a few seconds and sighed deeply. “Here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to put in a report with Alliance Intel and take this on as a personal mission. As far as they need to know, I’m going in alone. We’ll take an Alliance cruiser out to Jump Zero, and we’ll fix whatever is going on out there, okay?”

“You’re going to help me?”

He nodded. “I’m going to help, Shepard.”

***

Kaidan had checked the thermal clip on his assault rifle at least five times in the span of a minute. She could tell her was nervous. Whether it was to be serving with her again, or just the mission in front of him, she didn’t know. But the part of her that wanted to reach out and touch him and tell him it would be alright was going to have to stay back and not do anything stupid.

The shuttle pilot looked back at them and nodded as they went in for the drop. Shepard watched as the station appeared in the window. It was large and circular with plenty of windows and communication hubs along the outside, and without a doubt, the Cerberus cruisers parked along the outside loading docks. Shepard hovered over the pilot’s seat and Kaidan stood just behind her.

“Any available ports we can dock at?”

“I’m reading a back loading dock that we can take. You’ll face less opposition there. Scans show the largest signs of activity coming from the core of the facility.”

“That’s the training facility,” Kaidan said, his hand against his jaw. “It’s the largest room on Jump Zero and where they could hold the most people. God knows what they’ve turned it into since.”

“Training facility?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah, where they made a bunch of kids exert themselves to the point of death fifteen years ago.”

She swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Still… it’s probably kinder than whatever they’re doing here.”

She didn’t look back at him. Part of her was already regretting bringing him. She knew he was strong, and that his experiences at BAaT were behind him, but now she was worried what being back here would do to him. She didn’t want to trigger anything or upset him, but if anyone was going to want to save people from a place like this, it was Kaidan.

“Kaidan,” she said, following him to the back of the shuttle.

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Of course. Shepard, being here isn’t going to break me. I’m a fully functional human being.”

“I know that… it’s just.”

“Shepard,” he sighed. “I’m fine.”

The shuttle set down and docked in the back of the station. Kaidan slid packs of medi-gel into his holster and looked to Shepard for orders. She felt strange even giving them to him. Before, he was her lieutenant, and in the field, her second in command. But now, he was the same rank as her, and could very well be looking at more promotions. She sort of figured she was banned from promotions after joining up with a terrorist organization.

Shepard nodded, and let him step out first as the airlock opened. “Quick and fast, and get the people out of here.”

“Aye, aye, ma’am,” he said, as if it were still the SR-1 days. She’d missed hearing him call her that. “Is two people going to be enough to take down these forces?”

Shepard looked over at him. “It’s our only option. Come on. I want you to take out every Cerberus soldier you see. Save all the civilians if possible.”

He nodded, and followed her lead. From what she could make out in the dark, this place did look like a training facility. It reminded her of bunks at basic training and N7 training. It also wasn’t hard to imagine hundreds and hundreds of biotic kids housed here, and going about their daily routines, unable to speak to their families or fight back.

There was a certain sterility to the facility, one that was so cold and harsh, that it also wasn’t difficult to imagine poor kids being shipped home in caskets after the Alliance had pushed them too far. Shepard glanced back to Kaidan, whose eyes darted around the place, memories clearly showing on his face. He bit down on his lip and nudged her forward.

“Kaidan,” she whispered. “Can you get any chatter around here?”

Kaidan flipped open his omni-tool, switching to a private channel to pick up any radio chatter throughout the facility. He listened carefully for a few seconds, and shook his head. “Nothing important. But they certainly know we’re here.”

She nodded. “Good. Let’s give them hell.”

Kaidan smirked, only slightly. “Oh Shepard, you are certainly going to win employee of the month now.”

“Always aim high, Commander.”

He smiled again at her new title. “Commander. It sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

“Don’t get cocky, Lieutenant.”

He took cover behind a flipped table as the doors burst open. The room was dark, but if they were quiet enough, she could take them down with her sniper and give Kaidan an advantage to take them down with his biotics. She peered through the scope and zeroed in on the first trooper standing at the door.

“There’s no one here,” he said.

Shepard circled her laser of his heart, and pulled the trigger, watching him collapse. The other troopers fluttered around in a panic, charging for her.

“Kaidan, now!” she shouted.

He ducked out from cover and overloaded the shields of at least three of the troopers. They frantically shook as Shepard took out her SMG and fired round after round into them. Kaidan’s fists glowed blue, and he hurled a strong biotic throw at them. All three slammed to the wall, the glass on their helmets shattering. None of them moved. Kaidan pulled his pistol from his belt and paced over to them. He kicked the first, checking for signs of life, and then when one did move, fired a round into the soldier’s head. There was something so familiar, but so foreign about it, that Shepard wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Kaidan had always been a soldier, not afraid to push himself and to take lives if it came down to it. But he was merciful. And now, he was still calculated, so precise in everything he did but this was a preciseness that didn’t seem kind or sweet like the Kaidan she knew. But maybe it was just who he had to be to survive. Like her becoming ‘Shepard’ - irrelevant first name, just a last name that sounded like a title. It was who she had to be to keep herself alive.

“Alright. Let’s keep moving. We need to find the training room and free the people there.”

Just as they went to move again, sirens blared through the facility.”

Kaidan quickly ducked into cover with Shepard sliding next to him and opened up the same channel on his omni-tool.

“Security breach. Forces have infiltrated the base. Take all of the biotics to the core, and don’t let any of them out. Find the intruders and kill them!”

Kaidan nodded at Shepard and stepped out of cover, holding a hand for her. She took it and followed him. They headed down the nearest hallway, guns raised. He transmitted coordinates to her omni-tool, that way they could both know where to go without having to speak and give up their locations.

“Shepard,” he whispered. “This… it looks like they destroyed this place already. What’s going on?”

She nodded. “I was expecting to find more too.”

“Shit,” he muttered. “Come on. I want to save as many as I can.”

She reached out to take his arm, but he jumped back, biotics flaring at his fingertips. “Kaidan.”

He took in a deep breath and nodded. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

His hands were shaking, and she could sense that there was something he wanted to say, but wouldn’t. If there ever was a moment to be tender with him, to show him that she still cared, it was now. She reached out, her hand gently curling around his wrist. Now, there were no biotics. He let her.

“We’re going to be okay.”

He swallowed. “This… uh… this was where my bunk was.”

Shepard looked to the open door. It was no longer a bunk, but she could easily see how it could have been. She imagined his little group of friends, hanging over their bunks and bunk beds chatting about home, sharing their deepest wishes and memories with one another, probably wondering if they’d ever see their own homes again. But at least for that time they had each other. She imagined Kaidan sitting beside Rahna’s bunk, telling her something sweet enough to rot teeth, or even a story to calm her as she fell asleep, maybe holding her hand to let her know someone was there. God, did she hate her for hurting him like that.

She looked up to him, and noted that he actually looked sad. It made her physically hurt.

“We don’t have to stay here. Come on.”

He didn’t budge right away. “I want just a second.”

She nodded. “Of course.”

Kaidan stepped inside the room and glanced at the holes in the walls where beds had clearly been ripped from them. He sucked in a pained breath and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Every night, we’d all sit here and talk for a while, reminding each other that we were in the same boat, and that in time, we’d go home. I knew everything about their families, pets, siblings, what was in their backyard. I remember most of it too, still.”

“Kaidan, it’s over. You’re safe.”

“Half of them are dead now. Brain cancer, aneurysms. That kind of thing.”

She shut her eyes, and tugged at his hand. “We should go.”

He looked to her and nodded, letting her pull him from the room. Shepard led the way and brought him toward the core of the facility. He followed, but blindly almost. She could tell that this place was full of ghosts he hoped to never see again. She felt terrible for bringing him here, but she knew that he would be okay. And that ultimately, he’d be happy to help with this.

“Shepard,” he hissed.

She looked to him. “Yeah?”

“The training center is right here. From what I’m reading, I don’t think that we can take all of these enemies.”

He flashed his omni-tool screen at her, and he was right. His omni-tool scans showed at least fifteen soldiers guarding a small circled area in the room.  

“We need a distraction.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve got that covered.”

Kaidan reached to his belt, peering around the corner into the room, and tossed a single grenade at the nearest clump of soldiers. The troopers flew into the air and immediately came crashing down with panicked shrieks.

“We’re under attack!” one of them shouted. Kaidan rounded the corner, firing on the soldiers in front of him. Shepard rolled into cover beside him. Kaidan caught sight of the biotics at the center of the room and signalled for them to hold up a barrier. Immediately, a glowing blue dome appeared over them they kept their heads low.

Shepard fired on the soldiers near the back of the room, pouring through the doors, letting it rain bullets on them. All of them dropped, and one - not dead yet - reached for his gun. She fired a single shot straight through his helmet.

Kaidan had made his way to the center of the room, assisting the barrier and throwing troopers away from the innocents. As they were off balance, Shepard shot them down. In a moment of peace, as all the troopers lay defenseless on the ground, Kaidan signalled for the biotics to go and run for the Alliance shuttle.

“Are there any more of you?” he asked.

A man about his age shook his head. “No. It’s just us. The rest of us are dead.”

“Dead?”

“They were trying to test overcharged L2 implants. They wanted to see how strong they’d be.”

Kaidan’s face softened, almost in horror, and he swallowed. “What?”

“If their implants weren’t strong enough, they either broke and died, or Cerberus shot them.”

Kaidan backed away from them, almost as if unable to stand himself. Shepard appeared at his side and held him up. She gripped him tightly, and let him lean his weight on her.

“This is all?” he asked again, the words choked in his throat.

“This is all,” the man said.

“There’s an Alliance shuttle at the back loading bay, and we’ve cut a path. Get there and they’ll take you back to the Citadel.”

The biotics began to run, but the all too familiar hum of a mech behind them stopped most of them in their tracks. Kaidan turned around, eyes now full of fear. “Go!”

Shepard took cover behind a crate, one that certainly wouldn’t hold for much longer, and pulled her shotgun from its holster. Kaidan threw up a barrier, large enough to protect a fraction of the biotics. Shepard fired repeatedly at the machine, tearing down its shields and armor slowly. With his free arm, Kaidan overloaded the shields, letting Shepard go in for carnage and knock out half of its armor. The machine began to steam just slightly, and she knew it would blow.

A woman cried out in pain, and Shepard looked as she collapsed to the ground. A bullet had struck through her abdomen and blood was quickly spreading across her shirt. Kaidan threw his barrier at the mech, short circuiting most of the systems. It blew, shards of shrapnel shattering across the room. Kaidan was knocked back, covering his head, but clearly taking a heavy impact from the blast. He reached for his side, where blood pooled at his armor, and he winced in pain. She saw him quickly apply medi-gel before staggering back to his feet.  When she looked up, she saw that another Cerberus trooper had entered the room. And this one took the wounded woman.

“Kaidan!” she cried.

The soldier fired on Kaidan, who put up a weak, fizzling barrier. Kaidan looked down at the woman that the soldier was dragging be the hair, and something changed in him. He furrowed his brows together, and with the energy left in him, he threw the strongest throw field he could at the soldier, creating a distance between him and the woman. He stormed forward, and unleashed a biotic punch so strong that Shepard just knew it had snapped the soldier’s neck.

He breathed and then turned around to the woman, and to Shepard. He looked to Shepard first, and something in his expression pleaded for forgiveness. There was nothing to forgive, but she didn’t realize the full gravity of the situation. Kaidan bent to his knees, shaky from head to toe and inched closer to the woman.

“Don’t… don’t touch me!” she shrieked, covering her wounds with her hand. They were bad, and without help, she’d die. But she could hold on a little longer.

Kaidan swallowed and backed away as if he’d been physically hurt. Maybe something in him did hurt. He’d heard those words before, but Shepard trusted that they wouldn’t break him again. Not the way they did.

Shepard stepped closer, holstering her gun. “Ma’am, he can help you. He’s a field medic, this is what he does.”

But neither of them responded. She looked between the two of them, and then focused on Kaidan, whose hands had clenched to hide the shaking. But it hardly worked.

“Kaidan?” she said, changing her tone.

The woman took in a sharp breath. “It’s you.”

Shepard took a step back and gasped. She might have muttered ‘holy shit’ under her breath, but she knew her company certainly didn’t hear it. Kaidan looked up and swallowed his tears, nodding. Of course he’d heard those words before. From the same person. In the same place.

“Rahna… I…” he tried to say.

Shepard felt as if she shouldn’t have been there. Part of her felt like she was invading a moment seventeen years in the making, but the situation wasn’t picture perfect. There wasn’t time for a happy reunion or reconciliation. They had to move her and get her to a hospital.

“Don’t touch me,” she whispered, tears dripping down her cheeks. “Please.”

And he didn’t try.

“Rahna, is it?” Shepard said. She nodded. “Kaidan is here to help you. He can save your life.”

She shook her head. “No.”

Shepard felt rage bubbling in her chest, and words she’d wanted to say to what she believed to be a ghost came rushing out of her. “I know who you are, and I know that you’re scared. But look at him… just… look at him _for one second_ and see what is right in front of you. Look at what he did just to get here to rescue all of you. Does that look like the face of someone who wants to hurt you? He never did, and he never would.”

Kaidan could hardly raise his head to look at her.

“He’s stood by my side through some of the most dangerous situations imaginable, and protected me from getting my ass handed to me more times than I can count. Hell, if it weren’t for Kaidan, I sometimes don’t know if there’d be a galaxy to even save. He’s not the monster I know he sometimes thinks he is.”

Rahna looked back at him, and Shepard wondered if she was seeing him as a kid again, scared and just trying to do good. Was she regretting saying those things so many years ago?

“He wants to help you. Just like he always has.”

“Okay,” she whispered, eyes filled with tears.

***

Shepard felt strange watching Kaidan watch someone else, but the truth was that she was worried. They’d made it back to the Citadel, all the biotics rescued and seeking medical help. The Alliance had dispatched ships to the station to evaluate the damage done and their findings. Kaidan had carried Rahna back to the ship and tended to her with the utmost care, and he hadn’t left her side.

“Commander,” Anderson said.

She turned to find her old friend coming through the doors to the inpatient wing at Huerta Memorial. She smiled as much as she could, cheek bruised and sore from the battle.

“Anderson.”

“Sneaking back into our ranks, I see?”

She crossed her arms, both of them now focused on Kaidan, sitting beside Rahna’s bed. “Well, I couldn’t resist.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You did a hell of a thing, Shepard. Something we wouldn’t have caught. All of those biotics could have been dead, but now we’re dispatching them to Grissom Academy where we can put them to use. Perhaps study the L2s with better care and figure out how to help them.”

She nodded. “Good.”

“Must have felt nice to work with Commander Alenko again. I heard about your spat on Horizon,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“Messy thing, this Cerberus business. But he trusts you, I know he does. And he cares.”

“I care a lot too,” she said.

“I don’t want to know the weird details of it, Shepard, but you two are a good team. Hell, imagine if one day you’re both Spectres. The Council would never have to lift a finger again.”

She smiled and laughed under her breath. “Kaidan would make the better Spectre. He’d actually read the handbook.”

“There is no handbook.”

“He’d find one.”

Anderson smiled. “You’re probably right about that. Well, if you’re going to be on the Citadel long, let me know. I’ll sneak a few minutes away from that slimy bastard-.”

“Udina?”

“The one and only,” Anderson said. “We can grab some drinks or a nice dinner. I’m sure Cerberus rations aren’t the best.”

“No ship rations ever are, councilor.”

He leaned in for a hug, which Shepard gladly took, and then he was gone. Moments later, Kaidan emerged from the hospital room. He looked like hell, exhausted and almost sickly, as if he hadn’t stopped to breathe since they arrived back here.

“Is she going to pull through?”

He nodded. “She’s fine. I’m… uh… I’m going to head back to my hotel.”

As he went to leave, Shepard clutched his hand, her thumb brushing along the back of his palm.

 _Don’t leave again,_ she wanted to say.

“Let me walk you there. You’ve had a hell of it lately. I need to make sure you get back safely.”

Kaidan swallowed and nodded, letting her help him walk back.

***

His hotel room was beautiful, overlooking the Wards, not too far from the Presidium. She was expecting to say goodbye to him outside of the room and head back to the Normandy, but he left the door wide open, so naturally, she entered.

He hovered over the mini-bar, pulling out a rock glace and pouring himself a shot of whiskey. With how little he’d eaten, it would go right to him or come right back up. Shepard crossed her arms, not sure what to say. Part of her regretting bringing him back to that place, and hurting him like this. But the truth was that she simply didn’t know what was wrong.

“Kaidan, can you at least talk to me?”

He poured another shot and threw it back. She had to wonder if this was what he was like when she was gone, or if this was how the night after Horizon went.

She stepped closer, placing her hands on his waist. Maybe if she acted like they were still together, maybe it could be the reality.

“Hey,” she whispered. “Come on.”

He let out a heavy sigh and reached behind him to hold her. She’d longed for this touch for so long, but she could also feel the pain he was carrying inside of him. And that needed to go away first.

“Talk to me.”

He swallowed hard. “She’s still scared of me. I know it.”

Shepard turned him around and carefully slid her hands around his shoulders. “And?”

“And I thought… I always thought that if I worked hard, if I did good and made a difference, that it wouldn’t matter what she said. I could prove her wrong. Prove myself wrong for all the times I called myself a monster. But what does it matter?”

“Does it?”

“It feels like it does,” he said, so, so quiet. “It really feels like it does.”

“You know who you are. I know who you are. And you’re not a monster. You never, ever were. You’re human, remember?”

He carefully slid his arms around her and pulled her close to him. Shepard wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held him so close. She heard a few hot tears drip into her hair. She wished she could stay here holding him like this until everything that hurt went away. She wanted it gone, because god, would she kill to see his smile again.

“Shepard,” he breathed.

She nodded. “I’m here.”

“Don’t go.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to. Not yet.”

He picked her head up out of his chest and cupped her face with his hands. It happened slowly at first, the electricity burning between them, and then his lips were on hers. His lips tasted like whiskey and salty tears, but everything else was the same. And god had she missed kissing him. She backed him up against the wall and parted her lips to kiss him deeper. He drew a hand to the back of her head and bit down on her bottom lip. His kisses grew more frantic and desperate, but she swore she’d never wanted him more than in that moment.

He pulled away for a second. “God, I love you.”

Shepard smiled. “I love you so much.”

“Bunk here tonight, Commander?”

She pulled him in for another kiss, grabbing his hair and pressing her body to his. She missed the muscles and ridges of his body so badly, she missed holding him, exploring all the finer parts of him in their quiet moments together. Kaidan reached to the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head, only separating their lips for just a moment before kissing her harder. She pressed him to the wall, letting his hands slip down lower to hoist her into his arms.

Shepard held on tight as he carried her over to his bed and gently laid her down, a hand at the back of her head to make sure that she was resting comfortably. She unbuttoned the top of her uniform, and let him unzipper her pants, and sliding her boots off with them. He kissed her neck, lips and teeth and scruff brushing her soft skin. She knew that most of her was rebuilt, not originally there when they were first together. And it seemed all too appropriate. She wanted him to touch all of her, because in a way, it did feel like the first time.

Kaidan’s hand slid lower between her legs, pushing back the elastic of her underwear. He waited a moment for her response, and she sighed and nodded for him to continue. His fingers traced delicate circles against her center, delicate and with a certain finesse that drove her wild. With each heavy breath she let out, their bodies came together. His hips meeting hers with such a rhythm that drove her wild. She reached out, digging her fingernails into his bare chest and breathing heavier.

He pressed slightly harder, more pressure exactly where she needed it and she cried out his name. He gently cupped her face with his other hand and kissed her lips again, so softly. She kissed him time and time again, and refused to let him stop. A tight coil began to form in her lower stomach, a twinge that made her toes curl and faltered her ability to kiss him.

The soft touch of biotics flared at his fingertips as they found her clit, and sent shockwaves through her. The first time he’d ever used his biotics on her, she swore she’d never felt anything like it, like some kind of magic that made her skin stand on end, and two years later, with almost a completely new body, it was the same, but better.

“Fuck,” she muttered. “God, please…”

She let go of him and unzipped his pants, pushing the sides back  and helping him slide out of them. She slipped a hand into his boxers, running her thumb along his length, making him moan. Kaidan eased his remaining clothing off of his body and Shepard pulled her bra from her body. He traced his hands up her body, thumbs brushing over hard nipples, lips not far behind. Shepard pulled his hips against hers and positioned him to enter her, but he waited a second. He glanced at her for a moment, no kissing, no sex. Just a brief moment for him to run his thumb against the soft curve of her lower lip and smile.

“Are you positive?” he asked, just a whisper.

“Absolutely.”

“I love you so much.”

She shook her head. “And I never stopped.”

Kaidan held her small, shaking hand to his chest, and carefully rocked himself into her. She gasped at first, arching her back and moaning his name. Part of her felt like crying, telling him right now how long she’d been waiting for this, and how badly she never wanted it to end. He gently moved his hips against hers, slow, easy thrusts, complemented with the hardest and hungriest kisses.

Shepard wrapped her legs around his body and kept him so close to her. Her nails dug into his back, leaving angry red trails down his olive skin, but only made him sigh in pleasure and nip at her neck and jaw harder. It was then that she remembered that sex with Kaidan was never just sex. It was making love, as much as she hated the phrase. It was him giving as much as he was getting, and never wasting a moment to let her know he loved her.

Kaidan gripped the headboard behind them and rolled his hips into hers harder, making her cry out. She reached to his waist and took control of his rhythm, soft rocks and waves against her body, so gentle and incredible that she shut her eyes and let herself drift. The tightness in her stomach made her legs tighten around him and forced him into her more. She cursed under her breath and arched her back hard. Kaidan drew a hand down the side of her neck and down her body, kisses on her lips soft as ever.

“It’s okay, baby,” he whispered, lips just below her ear.

She reached for his hand and he gave it to her, fingers knotting with one anothers. She held onto him, and came completely undone in his arms. Her hands shook, and part of her was sure that she couldn’t feel her legs. He stroked her tearstained cheeks with his thumb, and she didn’t even realize she’d started crying.

“I love you so much,” she whispered.

He kissed her nose. “I know. And I love you too. Shh, come here.”

She curled up against his chest, both of his arms wrapped around her so protectively. She knew that this couldn’t last. She’d likely die going through the Omega 4 Relay, but she would do it again and again if it meant that she could have this night, over and over. There weren’t words for the peace she felt at the moment.

Kaidan tilted her head to his lips again and kissed her so softly. “It’s still true.”

“Hmm?” she whispered.

“You. You’re what makes me feel human. You’re never scared of me, you never look at me like there’s something wrong. You see it all. The strength, the weakness, the fear. You just understand.”

She nodded. “And I love it all.”

He looked over her scarred and healing skin. “I know the feeling.”

She held him tightly, taking in their moment of sweet requiem, a memory for the things behind them that had no legs for survival. Horizon wouldn’t make it, BAaT wouldn’t follow him, Cerberus was just an afterthought for the moment. But she found reason to believe that just like both of them, separately as people, their love just might be what endured.


End file.
